The Final Countdown

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There is a unique type of anxiety that accompanies buying a plane ticket five days before the flight. Every time I go to El Salvador it is always a build up to actually make that final click that purchases my flight. There's something so final about it. I am not a person for schedules and long term plans and always struggle with thoughts like, "...but what if I change my mind or want to do something different?"  However, when the final document I've been waiting for came I knew it was time. I made the final click, and Monday is the day that I will be leaving this life for a year (unless God changes his mind). It's funny because for the first few weeks I was back I longed to be back in El Salvador, but now that I've been here for a while I'm not as eager to leave.

I am writing this post from an adorable little coffee shop just down from the yoga studio my sister and I like to go to in Erie, Pennsylvania. I have spent at least two weeks of my time back in the US here and it is amazing how at home I feel here. I have even made friends here!  The other day I found myself thinking, "if ministry doesn't workout I could totally move here."  I don't think it's a bad thing to dream or keep options open, but I felt a deep sadness as I was driving yesterday and realized that my time with my family is rapidly waning. At the same time I receive a steady flow of messages from my Salvadoran friends expressing their excitement for my return and I feel a different set of heart strings being tugged. 

As I was walking along the beach the other night I said to a friend, "I just love too many things," and that's where I'm living right now. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, but of wonderfulness. 

I will be honest, I have not arrived at any conclusions and it doesn't seem to be getting easier. I am living in a place of pain and anxiety about all the impending goodbyes, but I know that God is bigger than my pain. He isn't anxious, he isn't worries, he knows the plan and I trust that I'm in good hands. 

Will you pray with me that these last couple days be so full of joy and tears of love?  I don't want to numb myself, and I don't want to retreat away from people. I want to remain fully present and fully me and ready to receive whatever the Lord gives. Thanks!

Standing in awe of this emotional paradox,

Sigourney

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